My Day With Kori-- Kaci's Perspective (and I'm a little dramatic)

My mom and dad booked a trip to Maui last year at this exact same time.  They had no idea when they were booking, that in one year, their life would be totally turned upside down.   Or, of course, they NEVER would have booked it.  When things started happening to Kori, they knew that they were probably going to have to cancel the trip, but as the time to cancel drew nearer,  Kori was making great improvements and it started to appear that they just might be able to go.

They deserved a vacation more than any parents on Earth and truthfully, taking a break would not only be good for them, but for Kori as well.  Mom and Dad would be able to get re-energized and re-charged and Kori would appreciate them more after being taken care of by amateurs.

Mom worked hard to arrange for Kori to have caretakers every day that they would be gone.

Kami and I both work full time.  But, Kami, who has a pretty cushy job, volunteered to take 3 1/2 days (which included all therapy days).  And I volunteered to take Tuesday (because my job is not that cushy) and (I am super wimpy) and (I am frightened of hard things) and (I am not that confident in my abilities).

Before Kori got sick, she was known for being a better listener than a talker.  If we all got together, she would sit and listen to Kami and I with our non-stop talking and flamboyant story telling and we would be expressing our STRONG opinions about topics such as our distain for visiting teaching or most recent run in with a PTA president or whatever mess we'd currently found ourselves in and she  would just listen and then all of the sudden she would speak and she would say one sentence and shower down her wisdom upon us and put us back into place with her well thought out words and her strong spirit.

But now, Kori is very different.  Her voice is different, her personality is different,  her speech is different.  She still sits and listens, but she doesn't speak very much anymore.  And that's okay, she can be quiet if she wants to.

So knowing this, I planned to sit quietly all day and work intently on some work projects I'd been putting off.  And I stopped and got a book at the library by Dr. Phil to read in hopes of fixing all of my personality disorders all in one day.

I arrived at her house at 9:30 with yogurt and granola and bananas and blueberries in tow.  I was going to whip us up a lovely breakfast.  But, she was dozing on the couch and said that she wasn't hungry.  So, I made myself a big, huge bowl.  And it was so quiet at her house and I was crunching that granola...  and I was feeling so badly that I had made such a large bowl and I was going to have to crunch and crunch and crunch.  While she tried to sleep.

And then all of the sudden, she spoke.

"What's new with you?"  she asked.

And her voice sounded the same.... like I remembered.  And oh my gosh, I got so excited and I started telling her all about every one.  Quincey's car accident, Peyton's first day of school, this and that.

And she kept the conversation going and told me about this family in her ward and that man at Russ' work and we talked like we used to and she told me some SUPER funny stories about mom....  About how she makes Kori walk unassisted and she walks backwards ahead of her and she claps in her face like she is a 2 year old and tells her that she has made 100% improvements since yesterday and Kori says.....  "no improvements have been made, but every.... single.... day..... I.... am.....100%...... better!!!!"

And we cracked up, like a lot.  And I was so happy.

She told me that she had someone coming over at 1:00 to do a procedure on her and I was excited because that was going to work out perfectly because I had to run Peyton to school at 12:30 and I'd stop and pick up some lunch at Chick fil A on my way back and get back in time for her friend to come.

We talked until I had to leave and I asked her if she needed help to the bathroom before I left, but she said no.

I arrived back at her house at 1:00 and she was sitting up on the couch and she had panic on her face.

"I need to get to the bathroom quick."

"OH MY GOSH, KORI....  I am so sorry"  I said,  and I put my purse down and ran to the couch.

Only,  I am not very skilled....  and (in my defense)  I'd thrown my back out over the weekend and so I was most definitely not at my best,  and it took me 4 times of REALLY trying to get her up.  And she was probably hating me with all of her heart by the time we started heading to the bathroom.  And I was walking wrong and not really helping her that much and I stepped on her foot twice and nearly tripped her three times and she kept saying sorry to ME like it was her fault....

(I am such a loser).

Anyway,  I finally got her to the bathroom and she told me I could wait outside.

I paced by the door waiting for her to be ready for me again.

Finally,  she said she was finished and I went in and got her and we started back to the couch.

I said  "Where is your friend, I thought your friend would be here?"

And she said "oh, she wants me to come to her house."

And my thought was

"HUH?????   Does she know you've had a stroke?"   "Does she know your loser sister is the one in charge of you?"   Does she have any idea what we look like right now?"

And I secretly said a prayer that she lived next door and I could just wheel her over there.

But, no such luck.  This little visit was going to require a car ride.

So,  I grabbed my keys and went out and put all of my work stuff in the back seat and opened the car door and went in to get her.

IT LITERALLY TOOK ME 20 MINUTES TO GET HER INTO THE CAR.  One painfully agonizing step after another....  slowly, methodically planning each one....  taking time to let her brain tell her feet how to move....  And she was sweaty and I was sweaty and more than that I was terrified and I was internally falling apart at the scariness of making one wrong move and really hurting her.  OR possibly twisting incorrectly and re-injuring myself.   And after I finally got her into the car,  I had to run back and shut the front door and put our lunch away.

I drove as carefully as I could up to the friends house.  And of course, her driveway was on a hill.
And getting this poor girl out of the car on a hill was probably the hardest thing I've ever done.  And IT FREAKIN' TOOK ME 10 MINUTES TO GET HER UP TO THE FRIEND'S FRONT DOOR.  And I was exhausted.  And I don't even want to think of how Kori felt.
 I knocked on the door.  And the friend answered and said

"I am so sorry, but I don't have time to do a session on you today."
"I'm so sorry.   I texted you, but I guess you didn't get it"

Well.......  no........  we.........  didn't........

because we were struggling to get her to the bathroom before she had an accident and then she struggled to go to the bathroom because she only has the use of ONE SIDE OF HER BODY  and the simplest of tasks for you and me are mind blowingly,  off the charts difficult for her and then we were struggling to get to the car and in the midst of me having a (for reals) near nervous breakdown,  I completely forgot to check her phone that I left sitting on the couch for a possible cancelation text.

I just stood there.... staring at her in disbelief.  I couldn't believe the words I was hearing.   And then I turned and looked at my sister.  And I looked at her bald head and her outrageously cruel scar and I looked at her arms that were trembling from exhaustion and she was squeezing my arm so hard because she was trying not to fall over.  And in a timid and sweet voice she said...

"I'm sorry, I didn't get it.  That's okay.  Thank you"

And we turned around and started on our journey back to the car.

And it took EVERY OUNCE OF STRENGTH IN MY ENTIRE BODY to hold in my tears.  I wanted to sit down on the driveway and sob my heart out.  My heart was absolutely bursting,  so much so, that I was in physical pain in my chest.  I have never in my life been so heartbroken.  And I have gone through a divorce.  NEVER IN MY LIFE HAD I EVER FELT THIS MUCH SADNESS.

I haven't witnessed anyone in my life work that hard.  I have been to 8 marathons and I know that those runners couldn't possibly have exerted half as much strength as my sister just put out.  And the walk DOWN the driveway and into the car was the worst part.  And I was wrenching inside.   I absolutely thought I'd die trying to contain myself.   I couldn't let her see me fall apart.  But, that is what I wanted to do....  I wanted to fall apart.  And yell and scream and hit things.....  or people.

Damn it!

I took her back home.   Another 20 minutes until we got to the couch.  She was absolutely spent.  I was physically exhausted but I was emotionally wrecked.  And I don't think I will recover from this for a very long time.

It's one thing to hear reports from my parents about how she is doing....  it's another to witness it right before your own eyes.  I cannot believe how hard she works to do the things that we do in seconds.  There isn't any movement that is easy for her.  But, I assure you walking from her house to the car is equivalent to running a marathon, my friends.

I was able to control myself until Gracie got home, but the second she walked in the door, I ran out and drove to the end of the street and had a come apart in the church parking lot.

And my life has been forever changed.

I don't have the words to articulate the change, but I am changed.   And my love and adoration for her grew one billion times and the only thing that helps me from just wanting to sit in the corner curled up in a ball rocking back and forth is knowing that our Heavenly Father loves us.  And will help us get through this.  And that we are a strong family.  And we love and support each other.

I am happy to report that Kori was not at all upset like I was.
I am happy to report that I didn't do any damage to her on my shift, that I know of anyway.
I am happy to report that I had an absolutely wonderful day with her that I will never forget.
I am happy to report that I learned some very valuable lessons and I am wiser and far more compassionate today than I was yesterday.


I am disappointed that Dr. Phil was unable to fix me.  (because to my dismay, I am even more of a train wreck today than I was yesterday....sigh)
I am disappointed that I probably over-reacted to a situation....  but maybe not...  but maybe.
I'm disappointed that I didn't take any pictures of us.....  laughing.
I am disappointed that I said a lot of swear words in the church parking lot

I am blessed that I got to spend a day with her.
I am blessed that I got to hear her laugh
I am blessed that I get to call her my sister
I am blessed that I got to experience something that will make me better

Thanks for a good day.